NBC5.com - News - Man Falls To Death During Spitting Contest: "Drobek, his brother and a friend, were competing in a spitting-distance contest, according to Ollech.

"He said at one point, Drobek crouched down and sprung up to spit off the balcony and went over the railing."

Because this is exactly what I would do.

GOP lawmaker pleads guilty to tax charge, quits - Politics - MSNBC.com: "Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham, an eight-term congressman and hotshot Vietnam War fighter jock, pleaded guilty to graft and tearfully resigned Monday, admitting he took $2.4 million in bribes from defense contractors to steer business their way.

"'The truth is I broke the law, concealed my conduct, and disgraced my office,” the 63-year-old Republican said at a news conference. “I know that I will forfeit my freedom, my reputation, my worldly possessions, most importantly, the trust of my friends and family.'"

Who'll be the first Republican to go to jail? There are so many delicious options:

1) Libby - already indicted, working on his rich-white-guy-or-OJ-style defense team.
2) Rove - still under investigation for doing what Libby did. A Newsweek reporter just got called in to testify about him.
3) DeLay - in all kinds of trouble.
4) Frist - in less trouble than DeLay, but it's already ruined his shot at '08 nomination.
5) The Duke - unfortunately for him, he's pretty small potatoes, so he had to do the unthinkable and plead guilty to something. Looks like he's our winner.

6abc.com: Fate Unknown for NJ's 60-Foot Beer Bottle: "The fate of Newark's 60-foot tall beer bottle remains up in the air.

"While developers are in the process of demolishing the old Pabst brewery to make way for new development, a decision is still pending on what to do with the 75-year-old copper-coated bottle, visible from the Garden State Parkway and occasionally on HBO's program 'The Sopranos.'"

Apparently. But why do I only find these things out once they're about to be demolished? I can offer no other examples of "these things," but what's your point?

CNN.com - Guilty of sex with student, teacher avoids prison - Nov 23, 2005: "Debra Lafave, a former remedial reading teacher at Greco Middle School in Temple Terrace, Florida, pleaded guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious behavior, and was sentenced to three years of house arrest followed by seven years probation. She also must register as a sex offender."

You know that's coming, and soon... hence... the title of this post. Shut up.

There's literally nothing to do here this week. These work better in IE.

This wins. (Semi-SFW)

House GOP leaders engineer budget plan win - Politics - MSNBC.com: "The broader budget bill would slice almost $50 billion from the deficit by the end of the decade by curbing rapidly growing benefit programs such as Medicaid, food stamps and student loan subsidies."

...but it's just one of those little things that happens when you're fighting a pointless war you can't afford. But really, who cares about Medicaid, food stamps, or student loans? We've got stuff to blow up.

Excellent listing of reviews of malt liquor. I must say that I firmly agree with most of their opinions on this subject.

Hops in beer may be healthy, researchers say - More Health News - MSNBC.com: "The researchers say porter, stout and ale have much higher levels of flavonids compared to lager and pilsner beers."

Unfortunately, Pabst is a lager, but since it's really composed of 33 fine brews, I'm sure a few healthy ones are mixed in there.

I'm now officially a Launchcast Addict. I wonder if I win a prize. Perhaps a trophy, or a pizza? I'd prefer a trophy full of Steak-ums, but an iron cup of Brunswick stew would suffice. I didn't get anything for becoming a Trendsetter or a Fanatic, but come on, throw me a frickin bone here.

Hollywood homies hammered - Altercation - MSNBC.com: "Minneapolis Star Tribune - 11/12/05

The naive bleeding hearts who oppose Vice President Dick Cheney's efforts to secure an exemption to the ban on the use of torture when interrogating those who are a threat to our security need to wake up to reality. This is the post-9/11 world. If some evildoer needs to be squeezed a little to obtain information that will potentially save American lives, we need to do it.

The torture of Lewis (Scooter) Libby should begin this minute and continue until he gives up every neocon-man, war profiteer, misguided zealot, shock-and-awe peddler and lying politician who participated in the conspiracy to manufacture this war in Iraq.

—GERRY MITCHELL, MINNETRISTA"

So when I got this job I was pretty excited about the computer setup they had for me... pretty much top-of-the-line everything, 1.5 gigs RAM, dual 19" LCDs. Only one problem: it ran like shit. It's been pretty much pathetic ever since I started here - I swear the Dell I bought back in 1998 could handle Photoshop better than this thing did. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and didn't want to get the help desk involved without a concrete complaint other than "me no likey slow computer-box", so I just dealt with it.

A few minutes ago, I turned the McAfee VirusScan On-Access Scan off, and suddenly this thing turned into Big Blue. I can't fathom why a virus-checker would cripple a computer like that, but right now it's running like a brand new box. My question for McAfee:

What the hell is the use of protecting a system from viruses if the protection hampers the computer more than most viruses (virii?) would??!?!

I suppose part of my frustration is with myself, for not thinking of this sooner, especially considering that McAfee did the exact same thing to my home computer a couple of years ago.

Sleepy kids do poorly in school - Children's Health - MSNBC.com:

Sleepy kids do poorly in school
Tired students have more difficulty paying attention, study finds

The Post-Star :: Local News: "A 37-year-old Saratoga Springs man is accused of putting a roasted chicken in his pants as a means to steal it on Tuesday evening at the Price Chopper on Railroad Place in the city."

This story got greenlighted on Fark today. Forum link

Dover voters oust intelligent design supporters - Science - MSNBC.com: "Voters came down hard Tuesday on school board members who backed a statement on intelligent design being read in biology class, ousting eight Republicans and replacing them with Democrats who want the concept stripped from the science curriculum."

You're a multimillionaire professional baseball player. When you have some spare time, do you:

a) Drink some expensive champagne and hang out in your mansion with mad bitches, or

b) Do this:

"Urbina and a group of men allegedly attacked five workers with machetes and poured gasoline on them in an attempt to set them on fire. All five were injured, some of them with cuts and one with burns on the back and right arm, police said."

Story

For the amount of power it probably consumes, my neon Pabst sign makes a piss-poor reading light. I know this because it's starting to get dark out, and I'm trying to write a paper using a bunch of articles I printed out, under the assumption that this would make them easier to read. However, the light it gives off is kind of reddish purple, which isn't good for reading at all. Perhaps I should get back to work.

FBI mines records of ordinary Americans - washingtonpost.com Highlights - MSNBC.com: "In late 2003, the Bush administration reversed a long-standing policy requiring agents to destroy their files on innocent American citizens, companies and residents when investigations closed. Late last month, President Bush signed Executive Order 13388, expanding access to those files for 'state, local and tribal' governments and for 'appropriate private sector entities,' which are not defined."

...and it's Dick Cheney. Eww gross.

Are they saying that the name Smucker's is so delicious, anything associated with it must be delicious too? Or are they saying it's such a terrible name, their product better be good, or no one would buy it?

GOP furious at closed Senate session - Politics - MSNBC.com: "Democrats forced the Republican-controlled Senate into an unusual closed session Tuesday, questioning intelligence that President Bush used in the run-up to the war in Iraq and accusing Republicans of ignoring the issue.

"'They have repeatedly chosen to protect the Republican administration rather than get to the bottom of what happened and why,' Democratic leader Harry Reid said.

"Taken by surprise, Republicans derided the move as a political stunt.

"'The United States Senate has been hijacked by the Democratic leadership,' said Majority Leader Bill Frist. 'They have no convictions, they have no principles, they have no ideas,' the Republican leader said."

Republicans always pull out the "no ideas" poke at Democrats when they have nothing else to say, but still want to hit them where it's perceived to hurt. It's getting kind of old, though. You might say it's the Paris Hilton of political insults... since nobody's cared about her since like 2003.